Highlights from GQ's Guide To Homophobia.

FAG:
What it says about you if you use the word fag a lot:
• You are in prison, in the Klan, or a member of a quickly retreating racial/religious majority in a nation that's losing its global mojo, and the only thing that makes you more uncomfortable than thinking about black people getting government money is Neil Patrick Harris.

GAYWARD:
Reasons someone might be calling you a gayward:
• You just told someone at work how to "pull off" white jeans.

GAYLORD:
Reasons someone might be calling you a gaylord:
• You turn to him on the beach, put the Nerf down, and say, "Hey, do I look more ripped to you these days or less? Be honest."

QUEER:
What it says about you if you use the word queer a lot:
You are George W. Bush, and Karl Rove has just thrown a ball to you.
Reasons someone might be calling you queer:
• Your DVR is full because you refuse to delete old Glee episodes.

QUEEN:
What it says about you if you use the word queen a lot:
• You wear a polka-dot apron for spring cleaning and feel oddly hopeful all afternoon while you vacuum—only to weep all night into your gin.

My 10 Favorite Homophobic Words That I Just Made Up by Morgan Murphy, comedian:

1. Taint Bernard
2. Mister Furley
3. Lady Guyguy
4. Puddin' Popper
5. Backdoora the Explora
6. Gibbler
7. Fanny Packy-Ow!
8. Brunch Burrito
9. Utility Player
10. Gary

HAIR by A. Munro

Alright my precious kiddies, it’s time for a new blog. Today we shall delve into that mysterious, often treacherous, yet incredibly fascinating world of male hair. True, this is supposed to be a blog about fashion but we must concur that an essential part of any man’s ensemble is the style of his cheveaux…in fact; some may say that it is often the most important component.

Disclaimer: I am usually a staunch opponent of individuality and original style and fully support experimentation but what follows below are RULES of style so follow them only if you enjoy sex and want to continue to enjoy it on a regular basis. And since I could write an encyclopedia on this topic I shall spare you the agony and focus on a few basics.

1) Long hair: if God blessed you with great bone structure and your BMI is within human parameters of safety you can attempt this look. It is very likely that by now you know if you can get away with it, like that time you played naked poker on the back of a school bus going on a field trip to Disneyland. (Just me? ok, nevermind). Long hair that is well styled and impeccably maintained gives one an air of originality and rebelliousness that is very seductive. It shows that a guy has style yet it is innate and unplanned. It also makes us want to run our fingers through your locks…ergo, girls will want to play with you. However, if it hits anywhere below your jaw line you run the risk of appearing feminine – which means we will listen to your poems while we ogle the loner bad boy. Also, if your natural hair would put Shirley Temple to shame NO long hair for you. Ever.

2) Faux hawk: Much has been written about this popular trend and some may say that it is out of style or has been over done but keep in mind that a great faux hawk makes girls squeal with excitement and leads to many a bad decision that are so delicious to regret. A lot of thought must go into deciding on the length and the styling so you better consult a professional. However, I must say that when properly done this style works well on almost everyone and achieves the perfect balance of form and function. I am sure that I am not alone in wanting to hold onto to something while being ravaged and I cannot think of a better hair style to rough up. It has the benefit of requiring minimal maintenance and goes well with most clothing choices. A few tips: DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT frost the tips and don’t cross over to full hawk unless you’re in a Sex Pistols cover band.

3) If your DNA skipped a few genes you may find yourself the victim of premature hair loss. The solution is NOT to cover it up (I’m looking at you John Travolta) or dye it in the hopes of distracting the eye into believing your painted scalp is actually hair (uhhhmm Prince William). Go the Vin Diesel route and shave those lonely follicles off. A shaved head is always sexy and creates a mysterious gravitational force that makes girls want to touch it. And rub it…and occasionally lick it………………..sorry, lost my train of thought. Again, a few basic rules: if your head is abnormally shaped spare us the visual. Do not make designs out of the leftovers and do not get head tattoos. This will work on boys that have no hair problems too as it is simply a clean, sexy look even with a little bit of fuzz.

And finally, a few closing words of advice: please leave the braids, ponytails and buns to us. We will always be better at pulling it off. Do not use more than two colors in your do and avoid unnatural tones like the phone calls of your crazy ex-girlfriend. Wash it, pick ONE good styling product and make the occasional trip to your local stylist to keep it in check. If you spend more that 10 min per AM on your hair you should seriously rethink your priorities. Remember, your hair exists so WE can play with it. We want to pull and scratch and smell your hair without worrying that you will keep looking in the mirror instead of looking at our lips. Don’t be afraid to experiment but know what will work for you. Happy styling!

The Suit.

Here's my 2 cents on suits:

• Every man should have at least 1 great, versatile suit.

• Don't be afraid to get a 3-piece suit, because you can alway take the jacket and tie off, roll up your sleeves, and still look great.

• The biggest mistake that a lot of men make is get a suit that' too big, too roomy. It's a suit, not your pajamas, it's supposed to hug your frame.

• Nothing should be too long or too baggy, your pants shouldn't bunch up at the bottom.

• Another mistake that I see a lot is the super-wide shouldered jacket. Unless you're The Rock, get something that's truly your size. You don't have to look like a Russian mobster either, unless you are one.

• If you only get one suit, I would suggest a medium gray.

• Brown shoes look really fucking great with that medium gray suit. Black is safe, but brown is more interesting.

• A great suit is worth the money because you can wear each item separately and create a lot of different looks.

• Don't get a crazy tie. Don't get a super-skinny tie either. Find a happy medium and make sure it compliments the suit, not stand out like a sore thumb.

• It's rare, almost impossible to buy a suit that fits you perfectly, unless you get it custom made, take it to a tailor.

• Pick a dress shirt or a v-neck sweater that goes with your suit, use common sense, and please don't ever wear a busy "graphic t-shirt" underneath your blazer. You don't want to look like the douche with the spiky hair and the indoor sunglasses at the club.

• A pocket square is always a nice touch, so is a scarf. You want to get real fancy? Get some nice cuff links.

• Experiment depending on occasion, lose the tie and put on some chucks, like I said, a suit can be a very versatile piece of your wardrobe.

Desperate Times call for Desperate Measures.

So i've been fucked in the ass by the government, i'm not getting unemployment, I don't have enough freelance projects to get by and I have a closet-full of MANICproject cd's. Well, i'm offering to sell them for $5 a pop. If you don't have one yet, please give it a chance, it's barely more than the cost of a mocha grande. You can sample it on itunes (link below the cover art). If you dig it, let me know and i'll hand-deliver or mail you the cd, hell, i'll even sign it. Also, please check out my Flickr link (to the right). If you like any of the photos please let me know, I can print it pretty much whatever size you want it, we can talk about framing options, whatever... it can be a complete custom piece. Anyway, i'm venting, i'm desperate, this is a shitty time to try to make is as a creative in a creative industry where people are fighting like dogs over projects and are low-balling one another. I hope 2010 is a better year than 2009, because frankly, it fucking sucked. Thanks for listening.

-Phillip


http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/squareone/id259607096

Rachael's Corner (new segment): Today's Edition - Shrinkage Pie

Embarrassing and unsightly, it makes for awkward moments around the celebratory table with friends and folks you would otherwise like to impress. Shrinkage. It happens every year and somehow I manage to forget. All of that time spent on each minute detail, just to remove your laboriously intensive pie crust and find it is inadequate. Slumped down in shame inside the bowl with ugly edges no where near the rim. Sure, it will taste alright, but we all know that a large proportion of what matters is presentation. So I advise you make a practice pie crust. I advise this with all unfamiliar culinary endeavors, actually. A Blin. (A Russian term for First Pancake).
The goal of a crust (as I see it) is to be flaky, even, and to perfectly compliment the pie. Each person will have his/her own crust recipe that works best. It is very personal, and should be kept secret, like shrinkage. When you get to the step where you are finally able to transport the crust to the pie plate, drape it into the pie plate (I like glass best, my Mom prefers ceramic). Make sure crust is touching the corners of the base of the pie plate. Then, when molding the top of the rim, extend your crust about a half inch or more above the rim of the bowl. (Remember, shrinkage will happen to you too.) You’ll be thinking, “there’s no way this will hold MY pie,” but those rims will shrink down into the bowl and the corners will be just over the edges. Make sure to do a pretty rim job, crimp the edges with your forefinger and thumb.
Dig to the bottom of your pantry and find the dried beans you intend to use, but know you won’t. Put an old tin you recovered from that 3:00am freezer pie directly on top of your crust, and fill that sucker with beans. Bid adieus to your crusty beans and plop your pie crust in the oven for as long as your recipe says. That ought to turn out a pretty, appropriately sized crust for your pie.

The wonderful world of Wes Anderson.

One of my favorite directors, his films are HIS, they have a look and feel unlike any other. Each shot, each set is dressed up and meticulously planned out. And the fashion... well, i'll just say that I wish more people were this creative with their wardrobe instead of following the trends.

Hot Girl of the Week: Mila Kunis

Ok, i've been obsessed with this girl ever since seeing her in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." So adorable. She appears to be a real cool chick and that's exactly why I'm going to murder Macaulay Culkin. Seriously, WTF?



See more Mila from her Black Book spread: http://www.designscene.net/2009/12/mila-kunis-by-david-roemer.html

Unique Fashion Sense: Jack White

I dig it. He obviously cares about how he looks, it suits him well. It doesn't hurt that he's one of the most talented musicians around, kind of sells the look. Check out the Dead Weather if you haven't yet, one of the best live shows i've seen in a while.

Fever Ray

The girl's got vision. FR released her self-titled album this year and it's one of the most unique and intriguing pieces of music i've heard in a long time. Check out her site filled with oddly fascinating videos, news, and, of course, music.


feverray.com

Hot Girl of the Week: Ashley Greene

I think she's "acting" in a little film called "Twilignt"? She's also on the cover of this month's MAXIM. I want to do very bad things to her.

Anyway, NEXT!

Ok, ok, I get it. You're cute, you're young, and you write cheesy songs about teenage feelings and shit like that, but I really could go without having to hear how amazing you are every time I turn on the television. Fuck off. Cheers.