HAIR by A. Munro

Alright my precious kiddies, it’s time for a new blog. Today we shall delve into that mysterious, often treacherous, yet incredibly fascinating world of male hair. True, this is supposed to be a blog about fashion but we must concur that an essential part of any man’s ensemble is the style of his cheveaux…in fact; some may say that it is often the most important component.

Disclaimer: I am usually a staunch opponent of individuality and original style and fully support experimentation but what follows below are RULES of style so follow them only if you enjoy sex and want to continue to enjoy it on a regular basis. And since I could write an encyclopedia on this topic I shall spare you the agony and focus on a few basics.

1) Long hair: if God blessed you with great bone structure and your BMI is within human parameters of safety you can attempt this look. It is very likely that by now you know if you can get away with it, like that time you played naked poker on the back of a school bus going on a field trip to Disneyland. (Just me? ok, nevermind). Long hair that is well styled and impeccably maintained gives one an air of originality and rebelliousness that is very seductive. It shows that a guy has style yet it is innate and unplanned. It also makes us want to run our fingers through your locks…ergo, girls will want to play with you. However, if it hits anywhere below your jaw line you run the risk of appearing feminine – which means we will listen to your poems while we ogle the loner bad boy. Also, if your natural hair would put Shirley Temple to shame NO long hair for you. Ever.

2) Faux hawk: Much has been written about this popular trend and some may say that it is out of style or has been over done but keep in mind that a great faux hawk makes girls squeal with excitement and leads to many a bad decision that are so delicious to regret. A lot of thought must go into deciding on the length and the styling so you better consult a professional. However, I must say that when properly done this style works well on almost everyone and achieves the perfect balance of form and function. I am sure that I am not alone in wanting to hold onto to something while being ravaged and I cannot think of a better hair style to rough up. It has the benefit of requiring minimal maintenance and goes well with most clothing choices. A few tips: DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT frost the tips and don’t cross over to full hawk unless you’re in a Sex Pistols cover band.

3) If your DNA skipped a few genes you may find yourself the victim of premature hair loss. The solution is NOT to cover it up (I’m looking at you John Travolta) or dye it in the hopes of distracting the eye into believing your painted scalp is actually hair (uhhhmm Prince William). Go the Vin Diesel route and shave those lonely follicles off. A shaved head is always sexy and creates a mysterious gravitational force that makes girls want to touch it. And rub it…and occasionally lick it………………..sorry, lost my train of thought. Again, a few basic rules: if your head is abnormally shaped spare us the visual. Do not make designs out of the leftovers and do not get head tattoos. This will work on boys that have no hair problems too as it is simply a clean, sexy look even with a little bit of fuzz.

And finally, a few closing words of advice: please leave the braids, ponytails and buns to us. We will always be better at pulling it off. Do not use more than two colors in your do and avoid unnatural tones like the phone calls of your crazy ex-girlfriend. Wash it, pick ONE good styling product and make the occasional trip to your local stylist to keep it in check. If you spend more that 10 min per AM on your hair you should seriously rethink your priorities. Remember, your hair exists so WE can play with it. We want to pull and scratch and smell your hair without worrying that you will keep looking in the mirror instead of looking at our lips. Don’t be afraid to experiment but know what will work for you. Happy styling!